Getting Tian

Twice this past week, I have been able to see dear friends who are incredibly excited about our adoption. One friend met me here in Asheville and the other friend I visited this weekend in Atlanta. Both times they brought a handled gift bag with a precious baby gift inside, honoring the baby we love already. Both times, I thanked them for their thoughtfulness, but then guardedly asked them to save the gift for later in this process.

Am I being freaky? I don't know. But I have miscarried four times in my life, twice physically and twice "adoptively", needing to return maternity clothes and bury baby paraphernalia, in addition to the overwhelming job of returning all my dreams for the child. Right now, it feels like this international adoption is a very long process with too many variables. When a woman is pregnant, there is a baby moving beneath her skin. A pregnant woman always knows her daughter is there and even though many things could happen in the process, the baby is right there in front of her. She physically knows the status of life. My baby is in my heart already. But I just can't hold anything tangible right now that looks like "baby" ... at least not until I know our paperwork is on the same continent as her crib.

We are making good progress by the way, lest you fear we have a premonition of doom. Our home study should be finished this week and sent to BCIS in Charlotte soon.